A Man of Normal Appetites
by calciseptine
Summary: AU. Naruto/Sasuke. When Naruto’s voice changes, Iruka almost breaks out the sock puppets and Kakashi offers rare words of wisdom.


**Story Title**: A Man of Normal Appetites  
**Rated**: PG-13 for adults trying to explain sex to a teenager and emotional scarring  
**Status**: Complete // 700+  
**Summary**: [Naruto/Sasuke][Alternate Universe] When Naruto's voice changes, Iruka almost breaks out the sock puppets and Kakashi offers rare words of wisdom.  
**Steve's Notes**: This is a deleted scene that has little relevance to the overall story of a work in progress I have, _Bite Me_, but was fun and neurotic so I thought I'd share.  
**Disclaimer**: _Naruto_ © Kishimoto Masashi

* * *

When Naruto turned fourteen, his voice broke tragically at the dinner table as he shouted at a teasing Jiraiya, "Stop hogging the teriyaki, old man!"

It was enough to sound like a five-year-old girl at random, uncontrollable intervals without four pairs of eyes settling on him, and Naruto tucked into the remainder of his meal with a gusto he normally reserved for ramen. The worst part, however, was when all four of his mismatched family members equated the changes puberty was wreaking on him as the perfect time to discuss 'It'.

Tsunade, as a doctor, had kept her lecture clinical; she used words like 'penis', 'vagina', 'intercourse', and 'acquired immunodeficiency syndrome'. After her speech, Naruto knew exactly where to stick it, but feared that if he did, he would catch something that would make his dick turn green before it snapped off. Thoroughly horrified that anyone would risk such a tragedy, Naruto left Tsunade's office shaking and pale.

He barely made it around the corner of the hallway before he was ambushed by Iruka.

Iruka seemed to be more flustered to say the word 'sex' than Naruto was to hear him say it, but the kindergarten teacher was stubbornly determined to talk about dating and foreplay and strong emotions and just about everything that lead to 'making love'. Luckily, Kakashi intervened just as a tomato-faced Iruka looked ready to break out detailed diagrams and hand puppets, and coaxed his traumatized lover away from an equally traumatized Naruto. However, in true pervert fashion—which in some way may have been misconstrued as affection and sympathy—he pulled out the most recent copy of _Icha Icha Tactics_ as soon as Iruka's back was turned. "Variety is the spice of life," Kakashi intoned wisely. "Use your imagination."

(Two weeks later, when Naruto decided that being scared of a _book_ was ridiculous, he pulled the orange novel out from underneath his bed and started to read. He fell asleep, drooling, on page eleven, which is the farthest he's ever managed.)

Yet as sex talks went, all else was passive in comparison to Jiraiya's hands-on approach. Even seven years later, all he can remember is the chilling look on Iruka's face when Jiraiya introduced his large chested lady friend to Naruto and suggested that they 'get to know one another'. Jiraiya, of course, was subsequently tortured by Iruka until even Tsunade—who lived in the large house as a pretense to have hate sex with Jiraiya whenever the occasion presented itself—deemed said torture to be borderline unethical. The rest the blond is fairly certain was blacked out by his subconscious in a last ditch effort to save itself.

As it was, Naruto's variety of caretakers and their respective lectures meant little, because learning how to properly kiss someone without slobbering took practice, and understanding that he liked girls and guys wasn't something that someone else could decide for him. He learned what he liked and what he didn't, had a few one-offs and a few serious relationships, and grew comfortable enough in his own skin to make sex more enjoyable than awkward. The blond prided himself on becoming a man of normal sexual appetites given the debauchery he had grown up with and felt that, for the rest of his life, he would be able to handle anything that came his way.

This, of course, was before Uchiha Sasuke.

In the beginning—as in before Uchiha Sasuke revealed his vampirism—Naruto knew he was desperately attracted to the stoic man in a ferocious, aching way that none of his previous flames held a candle to. He wanted Sasuke in as many ways in as many places as he could imagine; he wanted to see that pale face alive underneath him, above him, beside him, that ink black hair sticking to his sweaty forehead and neck, that pretty, straight mouth struggling for more, and those dark eyes on him, devouring him.

Any sane person would have immediately abandoned such provocative thoughts the instant blood was drawn, but Naruto's stubbornness rarely had anything to do with sanity. Now he hardly recalls his initial surprise when he thinks of the first time, instead remembering how hot Sasuke's mouth was on his throat and how red Sasuke's lips were with blood—fuck, _his blood_—on them and Kakashi's sly, understanding grin when he whispered, "Variety is the spice of life."

And, for some reason, those words make everything alright.

* * *

end.


End file.
